Summoning Satan for good grades

By: Andrew Row (282)

August 28, 2022

Dear Diary, 

Remember my senior friend from last year? Well, she told me that the reason she succeeded and got a Stanford acceptance letter is through this ritual thing. Weird, right? Basically, you call out all the names of the devil in this circle, and he appears before you, and you can make a deal with him. 

I did the ritual yesterday. Satan, my new best friend apparently, promised me good grades and an Ivy League acceptance letter for a simple price: my soul (not too bad, right?) I immediately agreed, of course. And it wasn’t even painful! Well…not more painful than sitting through six long periods a day. He also wanted the blood of my pet mouse, and, well…Coco wanted me to succeed. I know he did. School starts this Monday, and I’m excited to see how it goes!!

September 3, 2022

I keep forgetting to journal, but now my grades are all 100s!!! Tonight is my first check-in with Satan. Apparently he might ask me favors and I have to do them cuz he has my soul and all, but I’m sure he won’t want that much. What could an all powerful demon possibly want from an ordinary highschool kid? I guess this is what I signed up for…

September 13, 2022

I discovered this week that maybe the favors he asks are a little more work than I want to do. So far I’ve had to steal a couple of kids’ transit cards, which isn’t really evil, but I do feel bad about it. Satan told me it’s a favor from another one of his followers, and that the people I stole from wronged them. I guess this means that there are other devil worshippers at Central. Could be a fun little club! I wonder if any teachers would sponsor it… 

October 1, 2022

I took the SAT today and I’m soooooo tired. Satan said I would do well, but he asked me to buy hot fries and bring them to the summoning circle?

October 16, 2022

I guess he liked the hot fries, because I got a 1600!! College apps are going to be a breeze. Harvard here I come! For this favor, Satan wanted me to make the sign of a pentagram with chewing gum under one of the desks. Gross, yes, but necessary. I need the academic validation. I’ve never been this cutthroat before. Part of me feels guilty, but I think it will be all worth it!

December 28, 2022 

I just finished my last college application. This time Satan asked me to do a summoning ritual in the gym so he can spread his infernal influence on earth (why he needs influence in the gym, remains to be seen). So, I did that right before I left school. Nothing like the Christmas holidays to increase demonic sentiment!

April 3, 2023

Satan hasn’t asked that much of me recently, but assures me he is working on my college acceptances. I mean, if I had known a year ago that selling my soul to the devil would make my grades this good, I would have done it freshman year. 

May 1, 2023

Every. Single. Application. Was. Accepted! Today, I visited the grave of Coco, who valiantly sacrificed his life, so I could get good grades and a college acceptance. Really, at first, I was worried about this whole thing, but since it worked, I think maybe I should continue its legacy and tell the seniors next year about my little hack. It’s like an initiation for the real world. 

So yeah, looks like I’m going to Harvard next year, with a really good scholarship! Thank you Satan, thank you Coco, and thank you senior friend from last year. The Path of Darkness never looked this good!

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