Baby Daddy (284) and Baby Momma (284) | A Probie

Making it to our junior year of high school without being in a romantic relationship, we didn’t think we would ever succumb to teenage pregnancy. It came as quite a shock to us that we would become teen parents, regardless. We started the adoption process on a Monday, and just three days later, we officially became parents for a small fortune (you too can adopt a baby for $2.59 and bring home a precious angel from the local agency at 7400 Bustleton Ave inside the Target). Despite our immediate reluctance, we were actually ecstatic– what teenage girl hasn’t had the occasional bout of baby fever?

Our first major decision as parents was to pick out a name. We argued back and forth for a while, as any married couple would. We couldn’t agree on a last name for our child, and hyphenating our last names would have bordered on child abuse. Finally, we settled on a name we both liked, and it’s our honor to introduce you to our little bundle of joy: Bebe.

As our social worker, Richard Johns, bestowed upon us our baby (permanently marked and branded for life so as to prevent us from replacing him), the Richard Johns Family Court mandated that no parent can have the child for more than twelve hours longer than the other parent per week. Working out a custody schedule was challenging because the coming weekend was going to be a very important holiday for our baby’s heritage: Lunar New Year. Deciding which parent would get the child for the weekend was a nightmare but thankfully it worked out. Baby Momma celebrated Lunar New Year a couple of days early, so Bebe went with his father to celebrate with their extended family.

We wanted to make co-parenting a seamless experience for our child, but we ran into a parenting conflict the very first night that I (Baby Momma) tossed our child in a tote bag and set off home: Is it acceptable for an infant to watch movies that aren’t rated for their age? Baby Daddy and the God-mother certainly didn’t agree with the decision to watch Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part One, but who’s to say the child would even remember? In the end, it’s important to make parenting decisions that no party is uncomfortable with (or wait until the maternal grandfather tells her to stop watching and go do homework). 

Within the week, we celebrated many milestones with our little blessing: first snow, first fire-drill, first latke, first blood drive, first car-ride, first karaoke night, and first mahjong game. Our child brought us an endless amount of joy and purpose, but parenthood did not come without its struggles. Getting out the door and to every class involved a des- perate scramble to be on time and many things were forgotten: binders, eyeliner, and more. We discovered American societal values about family and chivalry were crumbling before our very eyes; people don’t necessarily treat single mothers better on public transport. The hustling and shoving doesn’t stop just for you. The world is also full of cruel strangers (teachers) seeking to kidnap your unattended child and ransom them back to you. Parenthood also pushes you to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies and begin establishing boundaries on who you let around your child—you wouldn’t believe the number of people who wanted to hold a dressed-up bag of flour.

Caring for a child was our largest responsibility to date; after all, it was worth two whole test grades. Contrary to popular belief, the best reason for having kids isn’t because you simply want them, you yearn for a sense of fulfillment, or you need a retirement plan, but it’s actually your lack of academic validation. As we ponder infanticide after receiving our dazzling care grades, we hope you continue to support upcoming Central High School bake sales (that may or may not contain the essence of our child)!