By Susannah Hughes (Chromebook Arsonist)
There is an evil going around Central High School and its name is ChatGPT. This monster destroys academic integrity and leaves students unprepared for the real world, where they must actually do their own work. Luckily, the school district has a solution: typewriters.
After much debate, the Philadelphia School District has decided to implement typewriters into the curriculum. These magnificent machines will replace our outdated school computers. Chromebooks are full of bugs, wifi problems, cybercriminals, and millions of other detriments that come with the internet, which are not only annoying but unsafe. Typewriters solve this problem completely. Without the malice of the internet, students are free to explore the world of homework in a safe environment.
Chat GPT is completely inaccessible on a typewriter. There are many benefits of ink and paper, including the fact that students cannot access cheating resources or games. That’s right! The games that every teacher has caught students playing are vanishing! Students will have no choice but to pay attention!
It is true that other solutions have been discussed. Handwriting is another alternative to computers. It would obviously solve the problem of the internet, but there are many added problems when it comes to handwriting. For one, my handwriting is illegible. I am scared for the health of the teacher that is forced to decipher my handwritten essays. Reading my handwriting has been known to cause confusion, dizziness, headaches, stomach aches, vomiting, fainting, and (in extreme cases) death. Just last week, my brother entered a coma because he tried to read my diary. For the sake of everyone I hold dear, I am delighted that this plague will be cured.
Additionally, typewriters will solve the nerdy stereotype attributed to Central students. The average typewriter is 30 pounds, but they are still highly transportable. This added weight to a backpack will surely bulk up the student population. New beefy legs and rock-hard abs are sure to make others question their existing perception of Central.
One possible complaint that the school district has anticipated is that mistakes on a typewriter are not as forgiving as on a computer. On a computer, you can simply hit the delete button, but on a typewriter, no such button exists. White Out is a definite possibility. (Now would be a good time to invest in White Out stocks.) However, the school district actually sees the difficulty of correcting mistakes as an advantage. They have noticed that the level of indecision that students face has skyrocketed since the age of computers. The practice of writing on a typewriter with limited deleting capacity will improve the decision-making skills of students making them better, more decisive writers.
For all these reasons and more, typewriters are sure to benefit the students of Central High School. The official launch day is April 31st, so get excited! You can prepare your Chromebooks for recollection by soaking them in gasoline overnight. The school district has proclaimed that they are too problematic to keep in the system at all, so they are hosting a bonfire! Bring marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate to make s’mores and watch the beginning of a new and fruitful era for writing.