By Alex Truong, Starving AP Physics Student
Imagine you’re sitting in class, but completely starving. Your famished stomach consumes itself as each tick from the monotone clock strolls by. When the bell rings, you shove everything into your bag and then drag your weary soul through an eternity of stairs, starting from the basement. As the trek comes to an end, your emaciated body emerges from the lunchroom door only to meet a great wall of burnt-out students spanning millions of square miles. In despair, you collapse on your knees and weep the biggest, saltiest tears of your entire life.
For students with AP Chemistry or Physics, our time at lunch is very sacred. We need time to cope with our failed tests, to study for the quiz next period, and to finish our procrastinated homework. We are expected to do all of this in half a period. As a result, students often go to class experiencing the cruel side effects of hunger and dehydration such as lightheadedness, inability to focus, memory loss, violent mood swings, hallucinations, and even death! Terrifying! In order to prevent these awful symptoms from occurring, the following tips will help you learn how to become the ultimate swindler in the lunchroom.
1. Use your friends: what else are they good for?
The most obvious, safe, and effective method is cutting in front of your friends. To avoid any life-threatening confrontations, start a conversation with your friend to scare the socially awkward person behind you. However, let’s not forget about the greatest friends that you can make– the lunch ladies. These people are the ones actually giving you lunch; this makes them quite the useful companions. Sadly, you won’t get a “cut in line for free” card, so counteract
against their eagle eyes by sneaking in at the perfect opportunity. Or by creating that opportunity…
2. Utilize distractions: requires aforementioned friends.
“In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity” (Sun Tzu). Easy distractions can ultimately help you complete your task. You can force your friends to drop metal water bottles, fight, release blood curdling screams, hijack the announcement speakers, or even set off the fire alarms. Friends with attention-grabbing talents such as tik tok dancing, instrumental playing, or acting can also bring a multitude of advantages to this approach hence why I’m friends with orchestra kids. Now, you can always cut and ignore your victim, but a tarnished reputation can sabotage future attempts. In order to protect your lunchline reputation, you need a more respectful approach.
3. Persuade with charisma: the best AP Microeconomics class
To increase your success rate, you need to convince the person behind you to give up their spot. Effective tactics I’ve applied to my cutting routine include pitching contracts for my fake lunch charity, lunch number embezzlement, playing my victim’s heartstrings with a sob story, and begging at their knees. As the wise Saul Goodman once said, “If you’re committed enough, you can make any story work.” So like a con artist, never give up no matter how crazy your lie is. Unfortunately, lying is a sin in many religions, but do not fear for there are other ways to cut without even talking.
4. Cultivate your intimidation: fake it till you make it!Dressing and acting with confidence will give the illusion that you are untouchable. In the event that you are confronted, simply turn around and stare into the person’s soul until they give up. Practice your menacing glare with an episode of Breaking Bad every night, and I promise you
that people will cower in your kingpin presence. If you use this strategy with your friends, then I only pity the people behind you.
5. Stealing: desperate times call for desperate measures.
Someone is in the hallway alone enjoying their food? Go into a full sprint and grab your lunch. Another person is throwing out their food? You should finish it for them. Are you a brave soul? Force yourself into the front of line and scythe another person’s meal. Once you’ve mastered your boonk gang, you can even steal food from your teachers. With quick feet and a little love from lady luck, you will thrive with this high-risk, high-reward method.
Under the harsh conditions of your AP Chemistry and Physics labs, time is a limited resource. To avoid utter annihilation of your life, it is imperative that you learn how to dominate in the lunch line’s ecosystem. It is completely justifiable to cut ties with anyone diminishing your cutting game, so disregard any emotions of guilt or shame. Because in the lunchroom, the most important person is you! If you regularly apply these techniques, you can stay well-fed while you suffer in class.