By Adelaide McGlothlin (284) Rodent Reporter
If you happened to be walking past the front of Central’s entrance one fine February day, you might have had the pleasure of witnessing a silvery, brush-like tail whip out of sight into a vent in the exterior of the building. It’s no secret that Central is home to an abundance of mice, and a few groundhogs that dig treacherous, ankle-twisting holes in the hills, but now, squirrels have joined the fray. The rodent population is rapidly rising, wreaking havoc across the school. They cause mass class disruptions with their scurrying forays, they eat all the paint in the shadowy art supplies closets (leaving behind rainbow droppings), and they filch things from the vending machines in the dead of night. The upwards of 2,000 students and staff at Central are terrified, but they shouldn’t be. It may be that the rodent numbers at the school have reached a record high, surpassing the student and faculty body, but there’s no need for alarm! Janitors have reported stumbling into tenebrous classrooms, filled with rodents arranged in a circle. Some may say that the rodents seem to be plotting something nefarious, but that can’t be true at all. In fact, these rodent councils could signify a positive change for Central! Our standard of education is simply so high, it is encouraging and educating every creature – human or animal – that passes through these halls. It doesn’t matter that teachers have been finding their lounge in disarray, with shredded furniture and telltale rainbow excrement. We should be encouraged that chalk, textbooks, and even an entire smartboard have disappeared – likely whisked away by a horde of tiny paws. The rodents of Central are trying to surpass the student body in not just size, but smarts. This is fantastic news for Central, as the integration strongly demonstrates our aptitude for learning, and should lead to increased interest in the school. These rodents are not our rivals, but rather, our peers. When you see them streaking across the halls, you should happily watch them go, knowing that they too, are late to class.