By: Liangquan Wu, Cool Interwuer
Interviewer: Today we are interviewing Mr. Patty on his first year teaching at Central High School. His hobbies include teaching, educating, instructing, and being disappointed. So, Mr. Patty, how has your experience teaching at Central been?
Mr. Patty: It has been bad, I’m talking awful bad. When I first got here, I had a world of expectations for the school because Central was way more distinguished than any of my previous schools. As I walked into my homeroom, I expected something similar to British etiquette. But what I saw was a complete mess. Actually, almost half of my homeroom werewas late for class, so it was only half the mess. When kids finally showed up, they tried to be my best friend to distract me from marking them tardy. Yeah, they were all marked tardy anyway. I also noticed that some of them were wearing masks under their nose. Doesn’t that completely defeat the point of wearing masks? Those youngsters better not come near me, I don’t want to catch the ohmycorn variant or whatever it’s called. With all of this chaos going on, all I could do was to sip my coffee and hope for the best. However, even my chai latte could not get me through the first period.
Interviewer: Could you elaborate a little more on what happened in first period?
Mr. Patty: Everything was going wrong in first period. Nobody actually paid attention to me in class. They were either talking with friends or sleeping. But when I said the word “homework”, the kids who were deaf with their AirPods, the kids who fell asleep, and the kid who went to the bathroom for 45 minutes all collectively complained. These kids were actually complaining about their workload when it was the first period of the first day of school. What other workload could you possibly have? I started to argue with these students over assigning homework. In the midst of this argument, a student offered me a piece of gum for a “homework pass”. It was at this moment that I resolved myself to tell my boss, “I QUIT”.
Interviewer: Seeing that you are still here, did something change your mind as the day progressed?
Mr. Patty: Yes, I realized that I actually need money to survive. When I have enough money, I know for sure that I am leaving this school. During the fourth period, I was at first amazed by how prepared the students were. Unlike the previous periods, when I assigned them to work, they immediately took out their Chromebooks. After going through so much that day, I thought I found the true Central students. Just as I was about to praise them, I stumbled across a screen that read “Ben Simmons shooting threes compilation”. Then I looked to the right, where I saw a kid playing a game that was popular when I was young, and I’m 47 years old. I could not believe my eyes that this kid was actually playing Tetris. It was one thing that they were slacking off, but to play Tetris over my assignment had me fuming. There is definitely something wrong with this school. Heck, I wish that I could have stacked these darn kids like in Tetris and made them disappear when I lined them up.
Interviewer: Wow, those are some strong feelings, Mr. Patty, is there anything else you want to say before we wrap up?
Mr. Patty: You won’t believe this but during online school, wait actually, never mind, I can’t handle saying what happened that day. Actually, screw my financial situation, this interview made me realize how much I dislike this school. You won’t catch me here next year, that’s for sure.
The Centralizer 