Op-ed

How I Ate Lunch Outside in 18 Degree Weather

By: Margaretta Maguire, The Character Called Cold Cut-offs Conquest

I heard a lot of people complain about eating lunch in the cafeteria or the auditorium this winter. People who say things like “This isn’t covid safe” or “Why are we cramming all of these people into an enclosed space?” People’s bravery must have gone down with the temperature, because one option has always been available through Omicron spike, wind, rain, and blizzard: the outdoors. 

I took it upon myself this winter to eat lunch outside every day. This wasn’t without sacrifice. I lost my lunch group because of it. Some snowflakes can’t take a few snowflakes with their lunch. But I can. I saddled up each day, put on my parka, and headed out to those $25,000 red picnic tables. Yeah, I’m the one who bugged McKenna until we got them. You’re welcome. What was my menu, you ask? A variety of frozen foods. I stole cold cuts that the teachers ordered from the loading dock every day, using nature as my freezer. 

Halfway through this endeavor, my so-called “friends” started making fun of me. Just to prove those haters wrong, I cut all my pants into shorts cut-offs. That’s right. I lead a dangerous life as both crazy outside guy AND shorts-in-January guy.  I heard that someone started an Instagram page for me called @cold_cutoffs_conquest. Some people, unlike me, can’t seem to take the heat.

I have a strong background in extreme weather. I swam to school via the pop-up river on I-676 by the Parkway this fall. I only exit school via the hill, never the pavement. You might have seen me in the hallway with my rods or heard about the water fountain fishing club I started (one of our big projects was getting the school administration to shut off almost all of the water fountains. One of my greatest achievements! Right now we’re working to get all the filters removed for a more authentic fishing experience).  

I write this from the nurse’s office. Unfortunately, God was praying on my downfall and gave me frostbite on my knees- I hear they’re calling me frosty knees now. I don’t know how this happened. Frostbite can happen to anyone, this is just really, really, really bad luck. Some of you look down at me and laugh from your history class, but I know you’re just looking up. #frostykneesnation

See you in hurricane season. 

Although the person known as @cold_cutoffs_conquest does not have a cell phone or any mainstream forms of social media, he can be found on the lawn between the A and B wing , more commonly known as the jail yard during eighth period. 

*Editors’ note*- It is actually against the dress code to wear cut-offs to school; however, we maintain that it is not against school rules to eat lunch outside, in any weather. 

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