President of the Productivity Institution Committee

Here at Central, everyone is nocturnal. I mean, seriously, it’s how the top students get the best grades. If we’re being completely for real, sleeping eight hours is a waste of time. Sleep? No. You could be doing your homework. My phone? It charges for an hour and works perfectly fine the whole day. Certainly, we can and should be doing the same. Sleep is simply for the weak. It’s inefficient, unproductive, and a waste of your energy. Energy which could be applied to much more important things like stressing over your project due the next day at 8:00 AM, bugging your friends at 2:00 AM, and rethinking your entire life decisions at 3:00 AM. I mean, the saying that you can’t function without sleep is just completely false. My recurring eye twitch and I? We are doing just fine. Who needs sleep when you can just run on caffeine, stress, and pure denial? I will say, however, that if you are adamant about getting 7 hours of sleep, just take them in installments. 20-minute installments each day throughout the week will get you up and going just fine and will provide you the efficiency everyone needs in their daily lives. But, truly, sleep is just a sales pitch conspiracy created by mattress sellers to sell more beds. Stay woke, people, you must stay woke. We, as a society, would thrive with better sleep efficiency. As a society, we don’t need sleep. We need answers!! So stay up to find them. It’s totally not like people suffer severe illnesses from not getting enough sleep. Those sinister melatonin peddlers take in billions while we waste a third of our lives unconscious and productivity significantly plummets. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we stopped wasting time on ‘REM Cycles.’ Just stay awake, people. Stay. Awake. FYI, those homework assignments won’t finish themselves.