By Caramela Macchiato (Elsie Collins)

A shocking study of 200 Central High School students has shown that Central students are composed of 95% coffee. The study involved taking samples of students’ blood and testing it for caffeine, as well as tracking how many coffees each student drinks per day. The news has been in science news reports all over the world. It is rumored that all of the most renowned scientists plan to come and meet the students at Central in the next few months. The world is split over whether or not to believe this phenomenon of the human body. 

As a result of this study, Central has announced that they will be opening a coffee stand right in front of the library. It will be open from 7am to 3pm every day of the school week. Central is funding this because of endless complaints from teachers saying that students are begging them for access to the teacher lounge to use the coffee machine. 

To give you an idea of how much coffee central students drink, Dunkin Donuts has revealed that it makes roughly 100 million dollars a year from Central students alone. That means that the average Central student spends $41,000 at Dunkin Donuts every year. 

In order to try and solve the mystery of why students need so much coffee, we conducted anonymous interviews with Central students. 

One sophomore said, “I need at least 10 cups of coffee a day. I have a few classes that are so boring that I can’t stay awake in them, but I need to take notes. Coffee helps me get through those classes.” 

A group of seniors replied, “We don’t even like coffee, we just drink it because we all play sports after school, and without the caffeine, we’ll just collapse on the field!”

Many parents are wondering why Central is supporting its students’ reliance on coffee rather than trying to help students reduce their coffee drinking habits.

It is safe to assume that, if Central students are encouraged to stop drinking so much coffee, they will go through serious withdrawal. Scientists cannot confidently predict the side effects, though some have guessed that suddenly falling asleep while walking or in mid-conversation is the most likely effect if students were to stop drinking coffee so suddenly, which would be extremely dangerous to all. It is a risk too big to take, hence why Central has decided to support the coffee-drinking habits of students and open the coffee stand outside. Let’s all get behind our fellow classmates and continue to drink coffee!