By Impassioned School Spirit-ologist

A grinning Michael Horwits takes off his headphones and reclines into his chair—he knows he’s made history. After months of sleepless nights and “How to Use an 808” Youtube videos, it’s finally ready: the school song has been revolutionized. 

“I’m riding an all-time high. The feeling is just unmatched. I listen to it in the car to school, the transition periods in between classes, I sing along in the shower. 30, 40, 50 years from now, students aren’t going to remember Math or English. But they will remember this,” says Horwits, Central graduate, class sponsor, and budding music producer. 

Following 283’s graduation, investigations discovered an alarming decrease in the number of Central Alums who began singing the school song any time Central was even remotely mentioned. Follow up MRI scans revealed hearing the school song caused significantly lower happiness levels (in some cases inducing sleep or intense rage instead) in Central alums born in the 21st century. 

That was the moment Horwits knew something needed to be done.

“I can still remember the day they told us school spirit was at an all time low,” recounts Horwits, holding back tears, “That’s not something I’ll ever forget.”

Now, months later, the new and improved rap remix is ready to be publicly debuted at 284’s class graduation. As the release date approaches, students, faculty, and alums excitedly prepare to be blown away by the power of rap and school spirit.

Needing to show someone his masterpiece, Horwits gave senior class president Jaden Gillion a sneak peek. 

“Literal chills,” Gillion reflects, “The song was so well-crafted. When I was listening to it, it was like the school spirit of Central just took over me – all I wanted to do was buy more Central-themed merch from Mr. Horwits!”

The phenomenon which Gillion describes is no accident. When crafting the remix, Horwits admits to consulting renowned rapper Kendrick Lamar and various hypnotherapists to produce captivating beats and subconscious soundwaves reminding listeners to pay their class dues.

Lamar’s influence can be seen in lyrics such as “They not like Central” and “Certified Lancer, certified legend” and in the flared jeans Horwits has repeatedly been spotted wearing.

Administrators refuse to disclose the budget for the entire production (taken from the 284 and 285 class funds) but have released a statement defending the financial decision: “You can’t put a price tag on happiness. Investing in the school song is the best choice we ever made.”

The music department is also preparing for the new school song, dubbed “the song of the summer” by Benjamin Blazer, head of Central’s music department. The heavy use of synths and electronic instruments required to perform the song means Central’s music groups need to evolve. 

Ditching their worn out french horns and clarinets, the band is now receiving training on how to use samplers, and the choir has switched from singing to rapping. 

“Honestly, it’s so refreshing to see this change,” says music teacher Marianne Gruswalski, “In assemblies, I won’t have to sing the school song alone anymore!”

Anticipating the school song will make Top Ten on Billboard charts, alums have already donated a generous amount to fund a music video which will replace next year’s school musical. 

Horwits, who will soon be inducted into Central’s Hall of Fame under his artist name Lil Witz, is excited to have made such a meaningful contribution to Central. As the clock ticks down to the momentous occasion and school spirit prepares to be resurrected, Horwits only has one message for students: “Pre-save ‘Not Like Central’ on all streaming platforms and remember to buy Phillies tickets!”