Marcos Echevarria (287)

The ceaseless sniffling, the “crunchy” coughs causing you to volt back, the empty tissue boxes stacking up in every teacher’s trash can; there’s no more telling sign that the winter is ending and spring is on its way in like the repulsive cloud of sickness roaming throughout the Central halls. No matter how many vaccinations we get, or how much Dayquil we throw back every morning, the student body manages to sustain prolonged illness–an annual tradition. You may have been told that it’s because it’s “flu season”, or perhaps you aren’t wearing enough layers. Maybe it’s because you’re “drinking from the same Owala as your friends” or because you’re stuck standing at the bus stop in freezing temperatures after you slept in and missed the first one. However, the truth behind it all is actually quite simple, yet kept intentionally underwraps fro the public: the virus of delusion.

We at the Centralizer have condoned numerous, thorough experiments to find this underlying cause of the illness running rampant throughout Central.  In each of our voluntary patients, the result has been static: a mass case of delusion is carried in their brain, specifically in their cingulate cortices. As the year goes on, this sickness increases rapidly in relation to the stress of school, finally explaining why illness peaks during midterms and finals.  

This delusion can be extremely destructive to the patient’s livelihood, so it’s important to catch it while it is still Stage 1 before escalating beyond repair, we’ve lost too many this way.  The most common symptoms cause the infected student to make rash, and frankly, horrible  decisions, dragging them deeper into illness. Therefore, if you or your peers have done any of the following, we advise you to contact your local doctor, specialist, or watch a 45 minute-long Youtube video about self-help, before the delusion worsens more of your experience at Central:

• Not getting enough sleep (firmly believing chugging a large Dunkin coffee or  celsius at nine in the morning makes up for it).
• Thinking you can do an assignment you knew about for weeks five minutes before its deadline.
• Signing up for classes in subject selection that you know are too difficult.
• Thinking your hallway crush likes you because they looked at you for approximately 0.5 seconds(they’re actually just looking in the general vicinity of the direction you’re walking in).
• Deciding to debate with the “devil’s advocate” during a discussion in class.

We urge you to stay safe, mask-up, and remember to be precautious during these troubling times.