By The CaffFeins (Corinne Gustafson and Nica Jurlando)

Who doesn’t drink five Celsi energy drinks per day? In a recent survey conducted by us, the CaffFeins, it was found that 102.64% of all Central students consume at least 3 energy drinks per 1 hour (the extra percentage comes from the energy consumption making each interviewee count as more than one human). We, the CaffFeins, have taken it upon ourselves to personally rank the top three energy drinks: Red Bull (gross), Monster (grosser), and Celsius © (perfect, no notes). The categories we have chosen are as follows: taste, design, energy, Socioeconomic Applications on the Present-Day Media and Society of the Americas in the Northern Hemisphere, and overall goodness. 

Taste: 

Monster – 3/10 Just by thinking about it, I gag. They got one thing right – it is monstrous! Monstrously disgusting. Remember the toilet in the basement girl’s bathroom that’s been covered up since November? It’s covered because the girl that used the stall last took a single whiff of Monster. I bet you can guess what happened next.

Red Bull – 3.1/10 Brought back terrible, terrible memories of my childhood. Pure hatred, devilish. The smell was comparable to the gas during the gas leak in February. Would rather be drinking Celsius © . Next. 

Celsius © – 10/10 Celsius © , it’s the taste of basking in 100 years of delightful sunshine. It’s the taste of an epic guitar solo that pleasantly remains in your ears for days to come. It’s the taste of beating Northeast on Thanksgiving morning. It’s the taste of Celsius © . 

Design:

Monster – 3/506

Monster, monster, go and hide!

Monster, monster, make me cry. 

When I see it I want to die. 

Bye. 

Red Bull – 3.1/ 47 I had to force myself to even open the can. The bulls on the front are fighting because they’re trying to escape from the horrific design that they have been cursed to represent. Red Bull is infamous for burning off retinas because of its fugliness (to be scientific). Celsius © , save me please.

Celsius ©  – 100/100 The picture that fills my brain in my dreams. The colors that I wish my city’s football team could be represented by. I jump for joy every time I see a can of cold, luscious Celsius ©.

Energy:

Monster – 3/2,098 Monster’s slogan is “Monster Energy — Unleash the Beast!” Oh, the Beast within me sure was Unleashed when I took a sip of this drink. The moment I took a sip of Monster, the Beast within me Unleashed the Monster I had just drank. I was left with less energy than before. I felt weak from all the effort my body was making to Unleash the Beast. Thanks, Monster. 

Red Bull – 3.1/346 Red Bull tweeted sometime recently that they are the leading energy drink brand for self-care gurus simply because their caffeine content is angel numbers: 111 mg. Clearly, they think they’re little miss ‘self-care’. Little miss ‘well-being’. Try little miss ‘heartburn’. Zinger! Red Bull is the leading cause of mildly uncomfortable heartburn at Central right now. Not so cutesy now, are you, Red Bull? 

Celsius ©  – 1,000/1,000 EVERY KID AT CENTRAL IS BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS RIGHT NOW! THERE IS A SURPLUS OF ENERGY DUE TO CELSIUS © CONSUMPTION! THE ENERGY HAS MADE ITS WAY TO THE CHEMISTRY LABS AND HAS SPED UP THE SLOW REACTION SPEEDS! CHEM TEACHERS LEFT IN SHOCK, DESPAIR, UNKNOWING OF WHO TO BLAME; TOO MANY KIDS DRINK CELSIUS © TO TELL!

Socioeconomic Applications on the Present-Day Media and Society of the Americas in the Northern Hemisphere: 

Monster – 3/7,978 It has been revealed that Monster is so greedy and gluttonous that it wishes to have absolute, plenipotentiary power over not only itself as a meretricious corporation, but also all of the countries under which it operates, ubiquitously. Monster has the goal of world domination, cataclysmically. Hippopotamus.

Red Bull – 3.1/1,354 An unspeakably egregious exposé recently published by a reputable journal has revealed that Red Bull’s socioeconomic effects on the Northern Hemisphere are cult-like and obsessively deplorable. The report stated that Red Bull spends so much money and labor giving you wings that it is single-handedly acting as an economic sinkhole, leaving the company stuck in a corporate echochamber, unrelenting in its greed and blatant capitalistic endeavors.

Celsius ©  – (6.5 ✕ 10^8)/(6.5 ✕ 10^8) Celsius © is immune to slanderous media behaviors and hysteria due to its unblemished, idealized socioeconomic status in present-day North America. Celsius © is the official drink of the US Government and seventeen other countries – monarchies, oligarchies, and democracies alike. 

Overall:

Monster – 3/14,856 When evaluating the overall quality of Monster, there is nothing to say but monstrous. 98.67% of Central High School students have expressed their deepest concerns for any student that is still consuming this atrocious substance (we no longer feel safe calling it a drink after this careful evaluation). 

Red Bull – 3.1/2,397 Red Bull has the saying “Red Bull Gives You Wings.” 0% of all Red Bull drinkers report having been given wings. False advertising? So stingy, Red Bull. In conclusion, don’t buy it if you know what’s best for you. Trust the CaffFeins. We know what we’re talking about – the Lorax speaks for the trees, and we speak for the students of Central High. 

Celsius ©  – 140,986/140,986 When it really comes down to it, Celsius © has the other drinks beat by a mile. According to Michelle Obama, well-known Celsius © fanatic, Celsius © drinkers are obviously the most humble, down-to-earth, and open-minded people in the entire world. 

Don’t ever feel like you are being indoctrinated by the CaffFeins. We represent everyone’s opinions equally, so what you read here must be what you’re thinking. Deep down.

Much love,

The CaffFeins.