Simona Montalto (286) and Laisha Khatun (286)

Picture this: the smell of french toast sticks wafts through the air as you move painstakingly forward in the lunch line. You are almost at the serving counter when, all of a sudden, some kid you’ve never seen before weasels their way in front of you. You’re understandably very upset! What bad form! Everybody knows you can’t cut the line so shamelessly. Haven’t they ever heard of “no butts, not cuts, no coconuts”? Guess not. If only they had a guide…

One cannot simply insert themselves into a lunch line without a premeditated strategy.  Central High School lunch lines have an expansive set of unwritten rules that you must abide by to successfully fight for your scoop of beefaroni and your choice of five mushy grapes or a freezer-burn fruit cup. Here are daily tried and true strategies for cutting the line demurely. 

1. Using your Banana Phone

This one is beginner-friendly and only requires something you probably have on you all the time—a banana! All those years of mediocre improv will do you justice. Get to miming! Everyone will be so distracted that you are texting on a banana that they won’t realize you’ve snuck your way in front of them. Loiter by the end of the line if necessary, and, when they least expect it, pretend you are getting an important business call. All you have to do is sing the tune “ring, ring, ring, ring, banana phone” and then shimmy your way in. When well executed, this method is virtually undetectable. 

2. The Buddy System

The second method is to plan, which requires a friend willing to participate in your sneaky scheme. Ideally, this friend is built like a bouncer who can handle angry lunch attendees. When you approach this friend, don’t make eye contact, but slowly inch your way closer. Gradually close in on them, until you are breathing down their neck, close enough that it is unclear where the boundaries of the line lie. Once you are in front of them, those behind this massive brick-wall-of-a-person will no longer see you. “Good look catching me now, Dr. Scott!”  you maniacally mutter as you grab your walking taco with ease and lick your lips. 

 3. Finesse these Fiends with Fire

The final method is not for the faint-hearted, it requires finesse. To pull off this move, look for an existing group of students standing together—preferably a chaotic mess of distracted teens, their minds so deep in conversation—and approach them with subtlety. A casual, “FIRE! FIRE! HELP!” is all it takes to insert yourself into the line. If you time it right, you can just blend in as naturally as if you were one of the group all along! For bonus points, stop, drop, and roll so they really think the building is burning. By the time anyone even thinks about questioning this, you’ll have already established your position in line and have snagged your well-deserved lunch.

And there you have it: a list of easy-peasy line-cutting techniques to employ at Central High School. There is an art form to a lunch line, one that has been developed by years’ worth of Central students. Their legacy can be seen in the lunchroom to this day. Study their methods with the utmost focus and you will soon find yourself among the lucky few who dodge the dreaded wait time.