By Head Hallway Deputy

Out here in the Ol’ High, we don’t see too much trouble. Some places may not be big enough for two foes, but our school’s halls have more than enough room to keep enemies apart– so typically all is well. That was until one December day. Now, listen here,  I will always remember that day as the point in time where I knew this was no place to leave makeup lying around. That notion was made clear by one group of individuals. Some may call them “the thieves”, some would say typical hooligans, but as the designated hallway sheriff, me and my guys like to call them the Lipstick Looters. 

This highly disorganized group shook the Lancer community to the core in December of 2024. It was the holiday season, nearing break, and our hometown heroes Lane Johnson, Jason Kelce, and Jordan Mailata had sent in gifts for all the lil’ children to enjoy. The sundry items included hats, free hot chocolate, and of course, good ol’ fashion Tarte lipsticks. As soon as the bandits got wind of the makeup treasure in Central High, they made it their mission to acquire it. No matter what it took. 

The plans were carried out before the clock hand even hit noon. The Looters had drawn up their plan and Sheriff Snyder’s office was the ‘x’ that marked the spot. Hundreds of eyes were set on her door, it would take something crazy unthinkable like a massive gas explosion to stop these scoundrels from getting their paws on those lipsticks. 

Within less than an hour, Sheriff’s Snyder’s office had been wiped as clean as a Thanksgiving plate. The door was left wide open, the looters did not have the decency to cover their tracks. Pushing and shoving ensued, yelps and swears rang throughout the office. In the end, nearly every lipstick had been moved out of boxes and into the Looters’ pockets.  The kerfuffle had occurred right in the language hallway– for all the cameras to see.The actions of The Tarte Showdown of ‘24 will remain infamous for decades to come. The pure nerve of those Looters would be commendable if their crimes weren’t so Grinch-like. I reckon we won’t be seeing anymore presents in our parts any time soon. The only thing the younger Lancers will be getting for the holiday seasons to come is tumbleweeds and winter-break homework.