Josiah Sofidiya

Last Thursday, a 285 student named Michael Bulkhead walked into the cafeteria during the advisory period after checking the school lunch calendar. Michael, or Mike to his friends, had decided that he HATED what was being served for lunch that day, which happened to be a, in my professional opinion, lovely, green bean mash. Mr. Bulkhead eventually decided that his only form of recourse would be to go to the beloved school vending machines. With none of the expected lines for the vending machine being present due to  Central High School’s characteristically amazing time-management skills, Michael was easily able to get exactly what he wanted: A bag of Doritos and an AriZona™ Tea. While great (at that moment) for Michael, this seemingly innocuous decision to grab a snack had resulted in disaster for not only him but the greater population of Central High School.

While Michael Bulkhead had gotten what he desired, he was not fully satisfied with the two food items and decided to grab another bag of chips and drink. Still not satiated he grabbed yet another snack to eat followed by one more drink. This cycle continued again, and again, and again, until there was nothing left in any of the vending machines. Though most Central students were upset that the vending machines were empty, this occurrence is nothing unexpected. In fact, it’s extremely (and unfortunately) common. What is not common, however, is for one individual to clean out ALL the vending machines. In a feat previously unheard of among Central students, Bulkhead, without leaving as much as a single piece of trash on the floor, ate every single thing he purchased from the vending machines. Alas, what Michael Bulkhead didn’t realize, is that when you eat, you get bigger. 

And as he continued to gorge himself, Michael got much, much, MUCH, bigger. So big in fact, that after waking up from his food coma and/or sugar crash induced nap when the first period bell rang, a dizzy Michael Bulkhead fell flat on his face. He had unknowingly tripped over himself. While a student could be forgiven for thinking this was just another example of Central’s accident-prone nature, Michael had not just tripped on thin air or some miscellaneous object. No, Michael had tripped over his own body. By now he had swelled to such great proportions due to his overeating that he covered the distance between all eight vending machines at once. 

Michael, quickly realizing the extent of his predicament, used his problem solving skills from Central’s curriculum and his sugar-enhanced intelligent mind, to figure out how to escape. His solution? To crawl out of the entrance to the cafeteria and hope someone was able to help him. In spite of his brilliant plan, Michael’s body, which should have had plenty of energy from the amount of food he consumed, collapsed just as he was about to reach the exit. As Michael gave up and laid on the ground, the students with first period lunch came up to the cafeteria, only to find their path blocked. 

We tracked down one such student who gave their report of the initial scene. “Yeah man, I was talking to my friend and wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking,” said Bray Ne’Ack from class 284 to our reporters. “Then all of a sudden I feel my foot meet this dude’s face and he gives like this muffled sigh. I felt so bad when I realized what had happened to him.” The sympathy expressed by this senior is not uniform among the Central population. Many people, cut off from their favorite lunchtime snacks, have had a variety of unfavorable reactions. On one end of a spectrum of reactions, students have gone catatonic, unable to process not being able to access the vending machines. Some students have been seen causing mayhem with withdrawal-fueled protests about the vending machine blockage. The average reaction, however, is one of general dissent toward the human blockade. People have even taken to calling Michael mean names such as “Machine Muncher Mike”, “Mike the Malfunction”, and “Mikey Block-a-lot”. 

When The Centralizer asked for comments from Mr. Bulkhead himself, we were physically unable to reach him. However, the stifled grunts and groans convey the mind of a tired and ready-to-be-free student. While he has still not been removed after almost a week from the original incident, the faculty, fire department, a group of experienced Philadelphia plumbers, a team of architectural engineers, and a specialist in large-scale food removal are all coordinating plans to extract him from the cafeteria. We at The Centralizer are assured that we speak for the entire student body when we say that we hope Michael Bulkhead is removed safely and rapidly, and the school NEVER has to go through this again.