By Mais Ali (284) and Kamera Osborne (284)

February 11, 2025: Scientists report a new virus outbreak in Central High School affecting the current 284 seniors. It’s common knowledge seniors typically lack the energy to work, put effort into their assignments, or show up to school at all, as they are already committed and prepared to move on to college. Super Senior Syndrome, or SSS as Dr. I.M. Guessing calls it, has taken over the Philadelphia School District and is causing the students to experience an overwhelming desire to– actually do their homework? 

Staff and parents are appalled by this virus which has chosen to strike in the final, relaxing year of students’ academic lives. Senioritis has taken a halt, and students are now unsettlingly productive and enthusiastic to show up and get down to business..

Mr. Grow, the Geometry teacher states: “I haven’t assigned homework in months. I had given up all hope, ya know? But then these kids started showing me extra work–I mean they were coming after school for tutoring when I only wanted to play Clash of Clans or scroll on TikTok. It’s scary! I called the Center for Disease Control (CDC), something fishy is going around!”

The science department  at Central formulated a list of signs to look out for in case you or anyone around you exhibits this perplexing disease:

1. Pop quizzing teachers on their lesson plans (including during their lunch breaks)
2. Smashing in all the clocks in the classroom when the teacher turns around, so class seemingly never ends.
3. Petitioning for Saturday school, and something called  “Sunday Funday” entailing an all-day study-fest and dance breaks with Go-Noodle videos and belting the school song.
4. Purchasing a Quizlet+ subscription
5. Studying in the handicapped stall 
6. Being a Horwits helper 
7. Stowing away and sleeping in their lockers when the last bell rings
8. Pad-locking all the doors so no one leaves–ever.

Despite the sudden outbreak in seniors, experts say the virus may only be temporary. Most students are expected to quickly recover by May. Once committed to college, they may be more ready to be freed from the crimson and gold they’ve been surrounded by for the past four years.

In the meantime, the nurse’s office advises students to take a deep breath and relax. School is almost over, your GPA won’t magically improve in the next few months, you’ll be committed to a college very soon. Everything will be okay, you made it!