Slideologist | A Probie

I stumble out the door along with a seemingly endless flow of students, all of us with the same goal in mind: to get through the maze of Central High School without running into a wall of unmovable flesh and bone of the epitome of a hallway jam.

The nerve-wracking experience of running into a hallway jam in the millisecond of time allotted for us to get to our next class is a daily occurrence. Students walk into a classroom, seconds after the bell has rung, sobbing because they ran into a barricade of elbows, knees, and heads, all ricocheting against each other. The merciless teachers mark the student late anyway.

Hallway jams at Central have reached a new level of danger compared to anywhere else in the world. At this point, the students of Central walk out of classroom doors praying they won’t receive a concussion, broken bones, suffocation, or worse when they inevitably walk into a huddled group of kids gossiping or filming TikToks.

Luckily, Central is happy to announce a cure to the plague of hallway jams. The genius solution? Slides! Slides will allow everyone to effortlessly move from one period to another with none of the horrors of running into a blockade of students. Slides will be positioned near every classroom window. When the bell rings, students will form a queue behind every slide. Once a student sits on the slide, they will enter the room number for their next class. Then, like a railroad track, the slide will adjust its direction and course to bring the student to their class seamlessly in the blink of an eye.

If you are wondering what will happen to the joy of walking to class with a friend, have no fear, because Central has thought of every possible problem. Double slides will be offered so that students can have this amusement park-like experience with their friend!

Another added boon is that the slides will take an outside route. This will introduce a dreamlike scenery compared to the usual depths of darkness students face when pushing through hallway jams. A breath of fresh air, while undergoing the thrill of their life, will greatly increase the mental state of students’ minds compared to the horrors of the halls. These slides will be installed at the end of April, and students will finally start living their best life with their worst fear eradicated.