By Professional Toaster (283) and Burnt Bagel Simp (283) | Executive Chefs

On March 31st, 2024, Ms. Davis announced that all Central staff members would now require training for microwave usage privileges in the school. The implementation came after the February 23rd incident where a bagel was found burned in the first-floor English office microwave, leading to the entire school evacuating and multiple firefighters entering the building. Students recall the incident as a momentous occasion in their high school education, sparing them over an hour of arduous class time and allowing them to rejoice in fresh air
as they watched fire trucks pull up to the school.

However, teachers and staff have felt the harsh reality of the changes in their lunches. Immediately following the incident, all microwaves were removed from every crevice of the building and thrown into a triple-locked storage closet in the lunchroom. Covered in chains and barbed wire, only President Davis may grant official access. An anonymous source witnessed a teacher “handing over what looked to be a wad of cash” to the lunch ladies while allegedly mouthing the word “microwave,” speculating bribery for microwave privileges. Nonetheless, staff members have been forced to continue consuming their soups and leftovers cold and their pastas room temperature. Students have noticed a change as teachers are more hangry and tired, resulting in less than enjoyable classes. “My math teacher was so mad; s he started throwing her room-temperature toast at the whiteboard and cursing the English department,” says senior Maggie [redacted]. Kyle Lin (283) recalls when Mr. Kannengieszer “went insane” and “hot-wired the SmartBoard to create a bonfire right on his desk” all to brew a cup of tea.

Per the implementation, teachers will have to complete an in-person ten-hour training course under the direct supervision of President Davis to have unsupervised access to microwave usage in the lunchroom. While many anticipate the completion of their training, workers from Sorrento’s Pizza and Grill and New China have reportedly seen an influx in Central staff pining for hot foods and a noticeable increase in profits. One worker states, “I hope the microwave ban continues for the sake of our pockets.” Slots for the next professional development day training have already maxed out, leaving some disappointed for their prolonged “torture.” For more updates and changes following the historic Central bagel incident, follow @chs_microwaved_bagel on Instagram.